The Florida fruit fly nightmare that wouldn't end
Home is not where the heart is. It's where the fruit flies are. I'm going gnatty.
It's a nightmare. Literally. I had a dream the other night I was being attacked by giant gnats. Coincidence? Hardly. Now, in addition to them being on my head, they're in my head.
About a month ago in early June, I noticed the nuisance and rhythm of flying pests that make no noise, do not bite and offer no real threat to me other than damaging my nerve endings. Florida fruit flies were starting to hover in packs around my kitchen and had started expanding their territory to my living and dining areas.
And trust me, they weren't leaving.
They had a disturbing circadian rhythm to them — lurking in the early morning hours of darkness, visible by mid-day, swarming in transmogrified fashion by the afternoon, ricocheting off walls, floors, cabinets, sinks, mirrors, computer screens, tables and my face before lightly retreating to whatever disgusting corridors they reside in at night.
Forget eating in peace. Forget having a glass of water without seeing two or three bugs drowning in it before you take a sip. Forget having an online meeting without co-workers watching you swat them away. Forget having guests over. Forget life.
The other day I found myself crying and cowering in the closet. (OK, I made that part up, but still, my beloved home was borderline no longer habitable.)
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After a few days, I noticed the swarms were getting worse so I figured it was time to fight the infestation with heavy artillery.
At the suggestions of many family, friends and colleagues, I made trips to Target, Publix and Home Depot to get everything from homemade vinegar traps, Zevo sticky traps and Terro traps with bait. Everyone had solutions, but nothing was working.
Another week later and even more maddeningly beleaguered, I decided to declare a state of emergency and call in an exterminator, who I greeted in my driveway with the same elation that Jurassic Park CEO John Hammond did when he welcomed his grandkids at the park's visitor center. (And much like the movie, creatures terrorized humans — in this case fruit flies and me, respectively.)
The exterminator sprayed, laid out even more elaborate traps and did a further examination of the premises, trying to pinpoint the root of their existence.
"I've tried everything," I bemoaned to him. "I've put out every trap imaginable. They live with me. They are here every day — come sun, clouds, tropical storm, night, day or nuclear attack. Nothing deters them. Should I put signs up 'Fruit Flies: Enter At Your Own Risk!' Or get additional locks? Bring in a priest for an exorcism? Buy a gun to try to scare them off?"
"No, that's not necessary," he said, calmly, but sensing that I was clearly unstable from the ordeal.
As he scanned the rooms in almost a military maneuver with flashlights and special spray in hand, he was baffled by the lack of 'breeding source' — as I defended my cleanliness, telling him I keep my Boynton Beach townhome spotless. I don't leave food out, regularly clean all corridors and am airtight on windows and doors.
What the hell do they want? What are they looking for? Why have they planted the flag at my place, but not my neighbors? So many questions.
He explained that finding the source would unlock the problem. Fruit flies, he said, get their name from their preference for fruit, but they are attracted to any type of rotting produce, standing water or sugar. Often they are drawn to countertop fruit, trash cans, garbage disposals or drains. Rotting bananas are a favorite, especially during summer months.
And June, July and August are peak times for the pests. He told me he's been in some Florida homes where it is even hard to see 10 feet in front of you because of the swarms.
How long do Florida fruit flies live?
As I did more research and learned more, it became an almost daily obsession.
Fruit flies are only about 1/8 of an inch long, have six legs, wings and antennae. Generally, they only live three weeks (three weeks!) and if they get in your home, usually their lifespan is reduced to one week.
What a depressing and pathetic existence.
They get in primarily through cracks in screens or windows or by simply stowing away as you unsuspectingly bring back food from the grocery store. Once in your home, the breeding begins. They can lay up to 500 eggs in one setting. After that, things can get out of control quickly.
I noticed hundreds were hovering near the sliding glass door and the kitchen windows so I theorized that's where they may be entering.
"No, not likely," the exterminator said. "They use the light as a navigation tool so they are probably looking for an exit. They use the sun as a compass."
And they thrive on humidity, which makes Florida a perfect home for them.
A few weeks went by and three more visits from the exterminator, who did multiple sprays down all drains and throughout AC vents, the swarms started to subside.
And I started noticing hundreds of dead ones everywhere, mostly around the kitchen and dining room windows.
For a moment, I actually felt sorry for the vermin until one whizzed past me like a military flyover at the Super Bowl and I was back to reality. (For the actual record, it might have been less than a second of compassion here.)
Trust me, though, a month later and they're still flying into my ears and kamikaze diving into my morning coffee with no warning.
Did I mention I'm going gnatty? Then again, I guess it could be worse. I could be getting 'antsy' or being driven 'batty.'
James Coleman is a journalist for the USA TODAY NETWORK FLORIDA. You can reach him at JColeman@USATodayco.com and follow him on social media platform X at @jimcoleman11.
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